Let Talk About Fear

Happy Monday. Will you just step out and do what you want to do.

Fear ~ manifest itself in many ways, doubts, mistakes, worrying, not starting or even just tirelessly waiting. 

So in the spirit of faith in action. Let fear die by abiding in the word. Let things that hinders you go. Let people that doubt you, or speak against the promises you hold dear go. 

Stop judging yourself by the standards of others. Surrender your heart to God and trust him intimately with your dreams and vision. 

When He says go, go with confidence that he will deliver everything you need into your hands, because it is only him that can set you on an uncomfortable journey and you know what! You can do hard things!

Set yourself free and lean into the season you have been placed in to experience the radical love and grace of The One who has called you to be triumph. 

Fear should not have a foothold in your life, the only fear that drives you should be in reverence towards the mighty power of God because your heart is secure in Him.

Hold on to this whenever you feel the weight of fear...."The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear..." Isaiah 8:13

With love, grace and faith in action. 

I write from a place of love

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

Season of truth and comebacks

Seasons come, season go and for me it has been a long time away from blogging or writing worthwhile privately and publicly. Comebacks are welcome.

But first I dedicate this post to the amazing Frances Okoro of www.imperfectlyperfectlives.com such a dedicated and consistent person that I have come to love and just observe from a distance, yet her words are often the closest thing to home truths that stings, and a resounding assurance that I can find solace on her blog just like someone else can find same on here. I love her and it is because of her recent post  "For Christian Writers/Bloggers: Lay Aside The Weight Of Distractions" that I have had the courage to rise up against the flux of inactivity on my blog.

It is autumn and the leaves are so beautiful even as they wither away,  dragged in whatever direction the wind pleases. Just like the leaves, I have been drifting, wrestling with what I what or hope to have yet I am still without.

Summer was amazing and as it ended, I somehow allowed anxiety and fear cling on to me and I didn't realise it until recently. My nonchalant attitude and relaxed state of 'just chilling' and 'waiting" is fear in disguise.

Honestly, I have been so dry that I thought it also meant that I am done on here. However, reflecting on the last few months, I have learnt so much and maybe I needed to step back, so I can come back stronger and ready for the long haul because I have been given the grace to write and nothing in my life right now justifies throwing it away.

My prayers have ben constant, even if at times they have been silent but they seethe with passion for more of God and less of my own feelings because His word is not based on emotions but on faith.

So as I transition into the beauty of this season, I pray that I continue to hold on to this grace and birth the words that will continue to shine a light that is full of purpose.

I write from a place of love.
Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

Trust

Trust God with where He is leading you. 
Trust God with the journey. 
Trust God and stop looking back. 
Trust God with how far you have come. 
Trust that He will light your way through the wilderness.
Trust that His love will never fail you.
Trust that He is with you every step of the way.
And above all, Love with all your heart.

I write from a place of love.

Beautiful Beloved Believedin

The Beloved

Morning after the day before, and the day before the day before and the sunset before the day before the day that was yesterday. In modern English, I am trying to say it has be an amazing end to the week, two and half days of phenomenal, praise, worship, service and out pour of divine power, release and continuous encounter with the voice of God at Hillsong Conference Europe 2015.  He roared like a mighty wind, shattering holds and dominions that have tied down his people for so long.

God spoke and we were listening in awe, renewed and stunned by the greatness we were experiencing in His majestic presence.  As I  entered, I prayed that Lord, I want to know You more,  just take me deeper than I already am and it was so.  More than ever, I accept that I am a vessel in this world, ready to be filled up with the greatness of God as He enables for His almighty glory and as He is, so are we in this world, (1 John 4:17) a scripture that I have over-looked so many times.

Do you know who Jesus is? Because to grasps the meaning of that scripture, we have to really know who He is.

Love, did you know that you are worth Jesus to God, and until you know Jesus, like really know Him, you might never really get this statement or what it means to be told “You are worth Jesus”…..God bless Simon Gibbs for this message in church last week Sunday. It is amazing how God is working, I mean the Holy Spirit is moving and linking every single message together.

My Jesus died on the cross for me, wounded, bruised and nailed on that cross for me, sweating blood, crying and taking it all for me. The same Jesus seated on the right hand side of God, Lion of the tribe of Judah, the almighty Alpha and Omega, beginner and finisher, bearing the multitude of sin that holds me back. The One, bringer of grace and truth that I seek, transforming lives with His love and this Jesus loves me.
The One that bought me with his body, the new High Priest who stands before the Father all day long on my behalf. Jesus bridged the gap between man and God, standing in line, pulling humanity back to its place with God.

Wait!! Did you know that we all belong to God and yet he still paid to for us to be founded in His love again! Because of Him, I can approach God with my all, no need for sacrifices and offering of grains or shedding of animal blood, Christ paid it all. Instead, I converse with my Father with a heart that has received the gift of the spirit of God, taken in by the counsel of the Holy Spirit, activating the victories that has been won by the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.

I pray you understand. I pray you confess it. I (insert name) am Worth Jesus "The Beloved", the beloved, beloved Son of God who died for me.

I write from a place of love.


Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

What I Know For Sure

 You are chosen with a purpose, gifted and talented with everything you need within your grasp. You are closer than you know with each passing day, if only you stop seeing yourself through the lens of your limiting beliefs, but fan into flames the gifts in you, for his glory.

"All Scripture are God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God, may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

2 Timothy 3: 16-17

I am not where I use to be and I thank God for the encouragement to be able to spend more time with his Word. Scriptures are making more sense as I am able to connect it with my everyday life and hearing God speak is not a coincidence. I remember sitting listening to sermons, often thinking wow, how did S/he do that, serving mind-blowing messages like that. I asked myself what is the secret? I once desired ministry school (it can still happen) because I love God but could not get into the Word. Hello!!! KJV is so ancient and I never thought I could ever get. It was agonizing wanting everything to make sense, waiting for Sunday sermons with that quivering fear that I might never get it on my own like that and be bold. 

I WANT. I WANT. I WANT. We were not created to shrink but live flourishing lives with ambition to unearth who we are.

See, it is not by might nor by power but by my spirit says the Lord (Zechariah 4: 6). Insatiable hunger to know more has changed my life, meaning I now look at what is in my hand rather than at what I want, knowing my hand represents the gifts, talents and abilities that dwells within me. I am convinced that God will not ask us to do something if he hasn't already figured that you are able. We might not know it, but he does. 

So I write in my journal. Encourage myself. Pray. Kneel. Read the Word he has placed in my hand, seeking, letting him speak into my soul, unraveling mystery that is I. I may not totally know or foresee everything but with each breathe, I see the possibilities and meditate on the words I hear. 

Six spiritual tool belts I picked up at team night this week. Encouragement. Faithfulness. Honor. Generosity. Excellence. Thankfulness. 

You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the power of him who called you out of darkness into the wonderful light (1 Peter 2: 9). I believe God is calling us as a generation to speak, encourage and excel in the present. More than ever, there are extraordinary fiery women preaching and dropping the Word of God through, books, seminars, conferences etc. But huh? Don't even think about it!. We can all make a difference together and serve one another. A new world order has arrived in the form of social media, with platforms like Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and it is addictive as we follow, imitate and prey into the lives of the other half.  But simple words of encouragement in 140 characters or an upload can save a life or awaken a dead spirit, breathing new life into a day that started on the wrong foot.

What gift, talent or ability do you see within yourself? Do you own it? Listen to Paul's writing in 1 Timothy 3- 11-14 "Command and teach this things. Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young...until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scriptures, to preaching & teaching. Do not neglect your gift...." I believe this is very much relevant and applicable to us as we live in Christ. I know that it can be hard and I also speak for me on this but we are able because of a God who loves us, as well as holding his hands to us all-day & nightlong. 

Prayer: Lord I do not want to be baffled by your Word or sick with that feeling that I am not good enough but confident that I will be ambitious with my gifts for your glory. 

I know for sure that I am chosen with a purpose, swept up in your love and guided by your spirit. 

I know for sure that all I want is you, you, you all day long.

I know for sure that every breathe I take is because of you.

Amen

I write from a place of love.

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

Here I am, Here I am

Been listening to the new Hillsong United Album Empire especially 'Touch the Sky', I couldn't wait for the album release so I double tap the single on iTunes, I never purchase music online. I am old school, I like buying CD's, to touch and feel the edges of the cover, admire the artwork and read through the credits and google artists, song writers and the production team that often goes unnoticed. If they are good enough to produce such a beautiful thing,  I want to access their other works and be blessed with their gift to strum words together and create sound that tremble my soul. Atlas Peace!!!

Here I am, Here I am, has been the reoccurring theme in my heart this week since last Sunday after a powerful session in church and for a few moments I was lost in surrender to the voice that spoke with so much clarity. I have been suffering for a while now, because when I am not finding life in the word, I am miserable and completely lost.

I miss so many things, long for the miracle that is on it way to me. But at times, I feel faithless (but I have faith) when I am romanticising my dreams and vision in my heart, painting the unfinished dreams. Sometimes I pray for it, speak life into it and at other times, I quietly wish that the cup is taken from me because it is too much to bear and I do not feel strong enough to do it on my own. Then I remember, I am made strong in my weakness because Christ is with me, in that moment I pray so hard for forgiveness and beat myself up for waivering in my faith. *Laughs* oh dear devil, I see what you are doing, trying to bring me down but hey hey I am anchored in Christ.

Looking back on this week, the one before and the one before the one before, all the way back to 365 days ago. I have evolved and taken so many steps away and embraced my life now with grace, love and peace because I have been placed on this path for his glory. 366 days ago hurt like hell,  I was in an agony of shame and disbelieve at the reality that will be for the next few years. I didn't think we will be okay or I will ever be truly happy or hopeful again, but we are and I am because 'Here I am'

I ran and fell, ran, ran and ran until I went out of breathe, then fell to the ground and screamed like a banshee, deafen by my cries as people drove by across the streets from me. 

-May 29th 2014  

I have found my ministry in Christ. I pray, write and live for God. I am a warrior of light, the word my sword, growing stronger in Christ Jesus, getting prepped and ready for the calling I see.

I am free
I surrender to God's plan
I am no longer scared
I live for God
Here I am, Here I am
Sprit led and filled by grace

I write from a place of love.

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

That thing called Love

First time around, I was not ready, didn't want to engage, understand or be understood because I honestly believed I had nothing to really give.  Although, I did get it *shrugs* yours truly was a free spirit anyway guided by her own moral compass and love as I know it was afloat the ship I was sailing.

I SEE YOU

He had no problem relentlessly pursuing me, always waiting for me at every turns and corner, calling me the most beautiful names. Of all the greatest love I have experienced, he is the most emotional, compassionate of them all, seeing no reason to conceal his love for me.

When I opened up, he responded to my feelings and I love him for that, so much that I know that if I ever walked away from him my life will never be the same again. I would always wonder because I know that he is and will always be the best thing in this world.

HIGH STANDARDS

I meet loads of men and its funny that they can try but will never measure up to what I have and until they grasp it, they will never get started with me. Realistically, being friends is not out of the question,  but someone's feelings always gets hurt and that isn't me anymore because I have arrived at a place where I can be shamelessly nice, generous, pleasant and yes respectful enough to listen to rehearsed babbles and lovely teasers designed to woe me and my response would always be no and thank you.

Don't worry, you will learn to get to that point too; where you realise your worth and settle for nothing less than you deserve and believe in.  

I am not crazy or irrational or a hopeless romantic. I hmmm mmm ahhh *sips coffee* is in a gracious loving relationship with God and His Love that is above anything else. A man will never truly honour, respect and put you first if he doesn't understand the depth, width and length of God's love. Because if he loves God and dwells in his presence, hurting you will be harder, virtually impossible, okay there will be human errors, but for the love of God; the integrity, trust and respect would surpass the depth of brokenness or anything you have experienced before.

Why? The greatest thing you have in common is a source that never runs dry, God in abundance, a reassuring comfort and counsel for the tough times.

I will be bold and put it this to you. That heart break is a shell, your heart is wrapped up in your soul and your soul can never be taken. Your heart is priceless, a masterpiece, rare and can never be trampled when you experience the greatest love that exist. Instead, it shines, radiating the brilliance that is within you. I came to this conclusion after so many soul searching moments, amazed at how people bounce back after the hurt, rejection, sadness etc. Honestly, how is possible that the same heart is still functioning and pouring out more that it receives.

The same woman that says she will never trust again, finds love, starts a relationship, rises in love, marries and have children.

The single girl that has been cheated on, lied too and dumped several times is still hopeful and allows herself to trust that there is a man for her.

She was sexually abused by the men in her life, yet rises above it and uses her experience to help others.

He watched as his father beats their mother and vows to treat women better. Focusing on the positives rather than allowing his later choices in life to be affected by the abused he grew up around. 

What if that broken heart you sing and mourn for is a bubble or a shell because that is just the surface because when I look at me and the people in my life, all I see is this rare brilliance, an epitome of love evolving, perfectly imperfect beautiful hearts capable of holding on to the positives, striving, beating harder everyday, responding to life.

What if that thing called love is you, flowing, glowing when you uncomplicate the processes you have absorbed?

What if you believe that "I cannot be broken" because you were not designed to be broken.

What if you stop crying about this misconception, unwrapped your heart and take a sneak peak and then wrap it up again safe in the knowledge that you are not broken.

Would it release, liberate or astound you?

Maybe you are work in progress, been cut, refined, shaped and sharpened by lessons in love, experiences and challenges because you are limitless!!

GOD LOVES YOU

I write from a place of love.

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

You are the greatest story of His undying love

Love. Grace. Heart. Soul. Humility. Patience. Gratitude…..It all comes from God, He sees you and He wants to hold onto you forever. 

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand. The Father and I are one.” (‭John‬ ‭10‬:‭28-30‬ NLT)

If no one can snatch you from the Father's hand, no one. So what happens when your life is far from God and His presence. Who moved?

You can place a child on a high stool and no matter how high & beautiful the experience with stunning views and instructions to stay strapped in. They will always have that uncontrollable free will and choice, waiting to be exercised.

Jump off, stay on, climb down. Whatever? Wanderlust attitude. 

Yet again, who moved?

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.” (‭John‬ ‭10‬:‭4-5‬ NLT)

Peace?

When you follow God with your heart, life makes sense, plenty bountiful things will come to you, the universe will see your light, His voice will guide you, it will go ahead of you. But when you walk away, the voice that leads you will be towards a path of destruction. At first, you may think, I have a good job, money is not a problem, I can date anyone that comes along, my body belongs to me so I can use it for my pleasure. Your mouth will be a representation of your own wisdom, it will birth foolishness, disgrace and self glory. Eventually you will run out, trust me it always does and it might look like despair, disaster, ruins, one problem after the other and Viola! you will remember God. You will start praying, hoping, half wishing for breakthrough, while still blaming Him for your misfortunes.

Why me? Why do bad things happen to me? If God existed, why did he let me experience this?

But you forget, that even believers go through hardship but what keeps us from gloom is the assurance of our faith and trust in God's ability to provide  and lift the veil because He has overcome already what we are going through.

Faith?

We are required to be patient, humble, trustful and loyal to God. Answers to our prayers will come but it isn't always what we wanted but we thank God because that either enough proof to go ahead or wait or stop interfering in His plans for us. In faith, we understand and keep it moving against the tides because we follow His voice. Look it can be hard not knowing, but persistence, humility, desire to move with grace and obedience will sort you out as soon as you get it.

But You, Yes You. When God's answer comes through, you don't trust it, because you never needed permission or confirmation. That prayer was to appease your conscience, to make you seem flawless in the eyes of the world because whatever you own, it is yours and yours alone. Your hard work saw you through, and while everyone else were on their backside, kneels doing whatever, you gave life your all and thank goodness you stopped looking like the struggle you went through. Then the problems starts, you make it a point to remind God that if He really is what He claims to be, then He should sort you out. After all, you have been good, giving to the poor and shown kindness here and there. Oh and the enemy has nothing on you.

I use to be you. I use to think like that. I was a free spirited person guided by my morals and conscience, with no relationship with the Kingdom of God. Then I found grace which changed everything I knew about myself. I even went through a period I backslided and still not perfect, but striving to stay in God's path, in his hands by choice. In my saved days of waywardness it was 50/50 between wanting to experience the world, have fun and doing God on the side whatever that meant.

It looked like this, I fasted every month, church every Sunday lost in surrender, sex midweek with my boyfriend, preacher girl when I was out, bible study in the morning, repentance every now and then when I caught a glimpse of myself. I even felt justified because I have the gift of dreaming since I was a child, my mama and even I was always sacred whenever I wandered into her room in the morning.  I have dreams about people's lives, clear visions and would already witness events happen. Many are reoccurring and it has died down a bit now, but in my adulthood, I have relied more on prayer, worship, praise sessions and doing life with amazing people that we can both roar and remain unshaken in the Word.

Humility. Grace. Love. Friendship. Meditation. Prayer

How do you feel when you see those words? Is here a stirring in your heart?

Where has your focus been? Scriptures, worship, praises, your own strength, your own choice or perhaps a division between you and God because you are finding it hard to reconcile His love for you with where you are.

Love?

"I will give you rest"

Do you know that you are part of His greatest story and He is calling you to be found in His love. My heart screams, dive, dive dive!!!! but you will call me crazy, so I challenge you to lean in. I promise you will be so captivated by the glimpse, it will just make sense to lose all composure and grace will fill you, love will become your cornerstone, peace will always be a gentle reminder of the covenant He made with you. The noise in the world around you will fade away, you will be more grateful for the whispers of the wind, the presence of the wave, fresh water will fill your lungs with joy.

Find salvation, I write for you from a place of love.

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

Making small differences

So far so good. January has been so good to me, achieved most of my goals and I truly celebrate those achievements. But right now I really don't know, I haven't felt right this month at all, I think I may be depressed or just stressed about the coming months, it is scary that this year is pretty much going to be a lonely one, just me myself and I striving, living, giving and serving.

Now who will support me? That is the re-occurring question in my head, I can literally count on my fingers what that means, but like I have always wondered isn't that suppose to be what faith is all about.  It can be hard when the people in your world look down on you or have little or less words of encouragement.

I know I have been way from this space, I have been writing so much but I just didn't feel like sharing at all. Perhaps I am retreating back into my journal  because I am not a blogger, it is not my intention to be anything more that a person who writes about her life, what she feels for herself and the world.

Wrong!! I want to reach out and help, but wait! Isn't there a variety of people out there who write out their hearts & soul to impact, inspire, empower and enrich the lives of others. We are in a world of creative's, artists dishing out layers and layers of life that represent their truth. Where do I fit in?

Perhaps, writing and doing are two different thing, it is one thing to pen your thoughts to inspire or maybe encourage and it is another to actually live life in such a way that  you are directly impacting a life.

Hmmm, I might have answered my question and chipped away a little of my depression,. Anyways, *sigh*  I will continue to pursue my heart as I intentionally work harder to be who I am…with effortlessly grace, I pray that I have the strength to follow through with the opportunities that God has always given me this year to do His work. May it flow, uplift and be good enough to make a difference, no matter how small it seems.

Here is to a year of living out loud and been honest. Reaching out, connecting with positive energies, channelling my light for the good of others, walking in faith, being selfless in love and peace.

Remember: Set your goals, make a plan. Pen your vision by making it visible and never let anyone look you down. You matter and however way you choose to give, do your bits and how you make a difference is your choice. Your art matters.

Don't just think about it. Do it.

Beautiful Beloved Believed In

Last thoughts on 2014, Hello New Year!

Season Greetings, Hearts, Hugs & Cuddles 

 God, this has indeed been a year of transition. Moving my life and hoping to start from where I left off and walked into a straight mess. January through March was like hey take me too. Xmas wasn't the same this year and will not be for a very long time. I miss you so much, you have been my pillar of strength, biggest supporter, confidant and I am still finding it hard that I would have to do life without you….xmas this year is a bit yadi yadi whatever that means, because Xmas dinner last year we was all joking, playing together and taking everything for granted. Nine months on, I am handling it well, little sniff here & there, and I stop once I remember that you wouldn't want that, but for me to strive, stay beautiful and be happy.

So far so good, despite all the obstacles, mushy messy feelings, its been a big positive one for me, I have achieved so much this year for which I am eternally grateful especially for the lovely friends, companion and strangers that have become family. I can't stress enough what wonderful friends I have made who understands and have been there for me, no questions asked. Am the sort of person that will tell you am in pain, but not pinpoint it to whether it is in my neck or shoulders. Just pain and these people fall in place praying for me, holding me down in every way possible.

God has blessed me in so many ways, helped me to see things that are beyond and invisible to the naked eye, led me to people that are now like a tightrope, shown me what obedience looks like if I listened. Enjoyed been an aunt, mum, sister, daughter and friend even when I didn't feel like it. *sigh* If 2015 is good to me, I will be leaving London for good whoopy, it has been good to me and will always be a part of me but I can't imagine my life here anymore unless God say this is where I am meant to be. Still sad I didn't make it to Rwanda, but I appreciate the blessings from not going. 

Do I have any new year resolutions? Not really I just want to live a good intentional life year after year.
Is there anything I hope for in 2015?  Yes, a more powerful prayer life & vision that leads me into everything I am destined for?

Why prayer?  It has been saving grace this year, although there are times when I struggled so much because I didn't know what to pray about or where this thoughts were come coming! My heart is in many place, not confused but in many place and it needs prioritising because I know that I know that I can be very stubborn to my detriment. 

Final thoughts on this year?  Goodness gracious me, I have improved on my social skills, I can actually hold a social conversation with getting bored or yawning, more patient I think, certainly confident as I am not ridiculously shy like before. Hmm, still not dating :( but happily single :) with no intention of rushing because I want forever with a man that is ready to settle down with me for a lifetime of adventure and kids. If he is rich *wink wink*, that would be better, I would have so much fun spending his money which becomes our money on building my orphanages, education centres, sponsoring community projects, offering alternative education to kids from under-privilege backgrounds. Perhaps even take on more human right pro-bono cases! 

Thank You.  I pray for every single person that has read, commented, shared, subscribed and dedicated their time to go on this journey with me. Thank you so much from my heart of heart, may your dreams come true and when they do come true, it is my hope that it will inspire you to go further and higher than the sky. At sunrise, light will shine in your homes, doors will open and reveal something wonderful. At sunset,  you will find peace with the stars leading you to where home is. May the universe continue to bring you daily opportunities and blessings. It has been a good year and I know where I am , stay jolly and keep positive.

Beautiful Beloved Believed In

You Need People, We all Need People and Each Other

Friday musings, collection of thoughts and what not. 

7:36am, stepped out into the chilly morning cold, singing and heading bumping to my worship album and I froze on the train into one of those moments when tears are welling up :( and I knew like every other time that this is my cue to pray. Pray I did in a tube full of strangers!

Hours later 14:23pm, fresh out of the hairdressers feeling myself because this girl got braids in a bun (hairline I am sorry :(…., yet again I am singing but this time  it was different, it went something like this "I don't need no one, ain't need no one ever, all I need is Jesussss in a high pitch voice" This song was inspired by sermon I heard a while ago about how all we need in life is Jesus and no one else.  Well yeah, I mean we need Jesus, we need God and He is all we should desire *scratches head* but what if that sermon was all wrong! :(

Here is what I heard today….."you need people, we all need people and each other. As much as you need Jesus, you also need people." Wait let me start again…

We need people as much as we need Jesus as christians to live a purpose filled life. Jesus in all his divinity and awesomeness came to earth to live and die for us, he lived a great life and did so many miracles to show us how to be kind, compassionate and loving to ourselves. In one of his sermons, he said that if we have faith, we could do all the things and perform miracles just like Him. I mean JESUS did not have to come, Abraham did well without Jesus to show him what to do, God practically fed Moses all he had to know on a daily basis as he led the Israelites out of Egypt. Esther prayed as much as Daniel to overcome their challenges.

So why does this generation need Jesus???  Do perfect people exist? Can we be perfect? Can we do it alone? *sigh* and at this point, I am also confusing myself.

But I must progress, so I figured in trying to answer this questions with the winding blowing in my hair, nothing prepared me for the waves of cool breeze sliding through my scalp and back of my head, hmmm perhaps this was a bad idea, my neck is more vulnerable and I am still trying to justify why I need people as much as I need Jesus.

*Light bulb* what if my kindness is Jesus to someone else, that homeless stranger I buy food for, the young girl with a troubled heart that I pray with, the friend I seat with to listen to her story…. over 2000 year later, while we would not be meeting Him in the flesh, We still get to do life with him, emulating his teachings, its contents, sharing,  fine tuning, interpreting and boldly striving to live like  he promised was possible. He came in human form to show us the way to live like it was intended by God, and he left behind the promise of the one that would dwell within us and call it the Holy spirit. 

That means as a Christian, if I pursue Jesus and learn to be like him and incorporate his values, all that love would spread out to someone else and possibly bring them to God and here ladies and gentlemen, we have the almighty ripple  effect. People helping each other out, so we need people!!!! 

Anyway, agree or disagree, while I may not be able to walk on water or heal a blind person's sight, I will be doing my bit in the way I know how and I encourage you all to  also believe in people and strive to be better and be the kind of person that can give to others. If in doubt, ask yourself what would Jesus do. If in further doubt, you need Roman, John, Mathew and Corinthians.

18:46pm, prepped primed and ready to belt a single at The Bloomsbury Carol Celebration Service and my heart sings out loud. 

Be Peace, Love, Light and Stay beautiful. Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

State of Mind

Morning antics, Reflections and Holiday vibes 

I have been laughing all morning, from twirling and arching my back  in bed so far out until it started to hurt and moonwalking to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, I stopped and stared at my freshly painted white bathroom wall, then ran straight into living room and sprawled myself across the sofa. With no intention to exit this mood, your truly did the usual Instagram stroll, checked out twitter and wrote my first tweets in months feeling so smuggish listening to Sam Smith's album. I am not sure if dancing alone would be appropriate, but meditating and writing sounded like a plan.

I have been experiencing all types of emotion lately and a lot has happened since the last post, I still have a few post that am working on and not sure if I can't let it go enough to share on here because…. #StateofMind I just came back from holiday last week friday :) and I am still buzzing from the relaxation, hence the absence.

After much consideration, I finally handed in my notice to quit work, with the Friday before as my official last day. I planned it in such a way that i didn't have to return after my holiday with my sisters which was amazing by the way because it felt right to walk away and enjoy the last few days of 2014 reflecting in my own space, figuring stuff out with no pressure and playing silly at home in my bed, writing, studying, exploring the next move and what not.

It was emotional, I cried, laughed, screamed with and hugged so many people. It was touching to hear nice words from the people that I have come to love and care about so much,  I watched two of the qualified solicitors tear up and wish me well, another who I thought had a problem with me held me and spoke straight to my soul, each of this guys were super comforting with best wishes and one senior partner gave me the most spontaneous gift while another adopted me immediately and I knew that if I ever needed anything I have friends to call on. The crowning moment for me was my manager, she gave me the most beautiful silver bracelet, amazing card and took me out for the longest lunch, we finished a whole bottle of white wine between us, which left me so giggly. I miss my chair, especially spinning it  around whenever I was alone for a minute in the office, coffee breaks, reading emails and been all super woman multi-tasking, devoting all my time and energy to achieving the best results and watching the clock after 4pm because at the end of the day, it was just a 9-5, but like everything else in my life, commitment is commitment, I am a hard worker, never leaving stones unturned, my work is my pride.

Anyway, so over that!!! Here are some holiday pics from Marrakech, it was great, stayed at a beautiful resort, explored the old city of Medina,  I don't speak french, haggled and haggled in the market over musk & lavender scents, pashmina scarfs, argan oil, black soap and bought me a shisha pot. Hello smokaholic, my love for shisha would never die :), visited the Musuems we could find, bonded so much with my sisters and convinced I would do it all over again…SO here is a little peek, because emmm……yeah!

Across the Balcony at the Hotel

The hallway to my room

 My Twin, big sis and I

 Atlas Targa Hotel Lobby - Would always recommend!

 Bis sister, Thanks to her, we had a lovely get away

My middle sister and the shortest lol

Camel surfing 

Waking down the stairs from my room

View from my room at night

My twin is obsessed with this pose 

We fought straight after this lol

Sigh

Love the design

The market, sorry we was more obsessed with selfies & Usies 

Thank for reading, now off to ponder some more on the wonders of the universe. xxx

First of December

Here is to December - Sending out Love, Light & Peace . Thank You for following my journal on this space. As we progress into this new month, I pray for you to find your way, pathway and accomplish all your dreams and may the unwritten become visible as you step out. Beautiful Beloved Believed In. xxx

Weekly Musings - Thought Catalogue

24/11/2014 Musings: A collection of emotions, thoughts, feelings, imbalance, crying out for attention.

A friend I really care about lost his sister and I do not know how to be there, should I call more or send text messages and even if I did, what do I say?

I know it will be bad timing to share my experience as a means of showing that I understand enough to sympathise with his pain, because that would be to compare my loss to his. The best thing one can do is; be there to listen in silence and let them know you can be leaned on if they wish to talk, cry or just be with someone. Give them permission to call on you and be the one they can lean on. Kabisa!!!

If anything I am well versed dealing with multitudes of experiences; grieving, internal pain and sadness been top of the list. I know what it is like to grieve and cope with extreme loneliness and sadness; it builds and leaves a large imprint in your heart. This year alone and in the one before, I have dealt with so much emotional turmoil that have hardly spoken about, I almost considered therapy again and it taken strength that I didn't  know I had to continue with life. I have said so many prayers on my knees, lying face down in bed, squeezing so tight my nails were digging into the palm of my hands. One particular afternoon, I ran so hard I fell and just sat by the roadside with a lump in my throat wailing until a car pulled over and gave me a lift home.

My sister made a comment last night that made me look so stupid in my faith. I heard the truth in what she said and I covered it up with a shrug and pretence! She meant well, but it hurt me and I am disappointed I hadn't considered it before.

My mother would not stop buzzing about marriage & relationships.

A friend reached out to me last night and said lot things that made me sad. He is one of my feel good friends that can say anything to me without offence; we have a shared history and bond that has been difficult to break off despite the differences in our live styles.

I am still vulnerable!

I am going through my emails and job opportunities are flying in, so why am I sad? Because deep down, I know that I am been pulled in a direction that is not what I desire at all, I have made myself believe that it is good enough and I have non-committedly played it safe. As it dawns on me, my spirit is drawn to a sermon I heard a long time ago; "The baits" I can't articulate what I understand it to be, but I will say this, not all opportunities that comes your way are right for you, just like a fish slowly bits into the baits unaware of the danger before it’s too late, accepting anything less that you deserve might be detrimental to your journey.

Spirit of discernment where are you?

I am at a dilemma, if I stay, something in my spirit tells me, "I will never leave". The other says “if I leave, it will be rough for a while". It's now a question of latching on to my comfort zone or breaking free into the unknown.

And where is my Faith?

I worry that I am behind.

I worry that I am emotionally unstable.

I worry that I not ready.

I turn 25 on Friday. Is this mid-twenty crisis?

Am I projecting too much too soon? Is my mind taking over again? Is this the new challenges in figuring it out?

Or is this just silly thinking! Isn’t this the sort of things I should pray about for guidance?

Appreciation Tuesday - You are Celebrated

Musings: Dedicated to You and many more dreams as they come true.
One Year Later, it is all coming together. I am temporarily back home with my heartbeat, in a job that pays the bills, helping out with my youngest nephew, building a strong network in church life, inner circle of friends and serving with all I have, offering support to homeless services in my spare time and already planning the next project to run #ShineWomen while my heart still hopes to accomplish more. Hello season of transition, I haven't given up on my dreams and vision, while some are taking the backburner, I am building experience in every capacity with hope that the right prompting and opportunity will come.

However, this post is inspired by the most adorable young man I know, he is sweet, cute and insanely hilarious. In the time we've been friends, our conversations have varied so much, he gets me on a weird level and I understand him to be ambitious, articulate and bold in his opinions. We met while we were still in law school, at the time I was taking a break  from my campus and visiting a friend at his. Homeboy was sitting at the back of the class and he kind of introduced himself I think or not, but me been shy mumbled back and he pounced like the tiger he is uttering a lot of BS which was totally unnecessary, dude was trying to chat me up *laughs*.

We didn't meet again until about six months later, I still laugh at all the happy moments I spent around him, he once danced and sang to me outside court, my friend and I would play with his hair, squeeze his cheeks and I would watched him bubble with excitement. The highlight has to be the time I accompanied him to the cinema with another male friend and my ex at the time got so angry with me. *oh well*
He was the first person to ever articulate how I felt inside in a club "Kennie wants to dance and be wild, but she is holding back" in-between my intoxication, my inner goddess was taking notes.

I am  so incredibly happy that he just got his dream job, a fantastic start to an amazing journey and I can't wait to see him tap into his potential. It's in moments like this, that I will happily accept I can be a bit of a white witch *shrugs* You know when you know! 

I pray to God for more favour, prosperity and blessings for you, thank you for been wonderful, encouraging and inspiring to this old girl. I SEE YOU.

Beautiful Beloved Believed In

Love, Soul & Confirmation

Gongs, drums, loud bass, I hear the drummers beats, singers clapping, feet's tapping away, as the circus comes into full view, her inner goddess sways from side to side moving, swerving, kicking it back, joining in the ancient ceremonial dance of the new moon, as generations gathered to welcome, cradle and touch the great new born, the night sky ablaze with signs and wonders their forefathers foretold. This free thinking spirit is celebrating the beginning of time, 9125 days of inhabitation, dreaming, breathing, loving, heart & soul. Grateful for the life she has lived with acceptance, excited for where it is leading and hopeful it will reach it destination.

Beautiful Beloved Believed In

30Layers30Days // INTIMIDATION

Still on The Quiet Challenge #30layers30days and my timing is all over the place, but I am absolutely loving it so far, its been very warming and encouraging to open up more to what I want for myself, engage my thought process and scribble all over the blog!

Question: What kind of people make you feel intimidated, small, inferior?  Why?

Truth be told, I have never been worried about intimidation because even with my quietness, I have always stood my ground with people that try it and I do it by observing you long enough to subtlety put you in your place. Never liked bullies, I randomly fought in school with people just to exercise my right to be me in my quiet corner, I was not popular neither did I desire it, but intimidation, feeling small, inferior was a No No! Maybe that is why I have been referenced as a snob; even prudish in behaviour because I absolutely cannot conceal my irritation, am always like who are you again?

I welcome people, like my mother would say, "I wasn't born privileged, everything I have given you was worked for", never ever look down on people regardless of class or status. So when I am in any situation that will place me among people whose sole purpose is to make me feel intimidated, small or inferior for whatever reason, I look to GOD for strength and compassion to be kind, humble and forgiving, because......

"Beautiful is the woman who understands her place in life, with all things coming from God the Ultimate Source, it can be taken back as easily as it was given".

We do not Intimidate, Oppress or Violate others, We Strive to be Peace, Light, Love and More to the Very own People against Us.

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

30Layers30Days - SECRET INDULGENCE

When you want to make yourself feel better, what can you do for yourself or give yourself that no one else can give you?

 

Disclaimer: I Love Chocolate, Coffee & Capri-sonne. 

For years, my weight yo yo-ed binge eating, realising what I had done to my body, I did all sorts of diets and heart-breaking morning/evening running, jogging, brisk walking and everything in between that I can dream up to make me feel good. Fast forward, with my capri-sonne loving self, coffee loving and secret chocolatey moments when no one is watching. Guess what the secret is? Inhale, hold your chest high, suck your belly button in, yes feel your core breathe and exhaleeeeee.

I PRAY! Hmm mmm, Yes I pray with my eyes closed, head bowed, shoulders down, letting it all out to God, calling him out on His promises, rejoicing in the little I have been given, praying for guidance on how to multiply, increase and sustain. No one can truly give me what I what or need but Abba because He sees, knows and hear the tiny whispers in my heart. I am calmer, lighter; even fluffy with the way I live my life because of this, praying subdues my anger, frustration bringing it back from the edge of destruction.

I READ, reading the Word in a quiet place with understanding that I will be led to receive what I need. 

What is your secret indulgence? P.s I am now a hot yoga loving sister.

BeautifulBelovedBelievedIn

 

POST PART of 30DAYS30LAYERS by ALLTHE MANYLAYERS THE QUIET CHALLENGE

DAY 14: #30Layers30Days // LOVE LANGUAGE

                             What are your favorite ways to give and receive love?

3 things  = Touch. Intimacy. Giving. = Words

Touch
I only started getting comfortable with this last year. I use to think something was wrong with me, I would literally jump out of my skin if someone brushed against me. Side hugs are the most I could give or allow from anyone, raised in a Muslim environment, hugging women is not encouraged at all. However, I find it very reassuring when people hold my hands and slowly I have learnt to hug and stay firm. Anyway with my church, there is no boundaries, everyone is big on pulling and hugging so tight your guts are spilling out. *Laughs* I have become such a hugger myself and I totally love it, especially when I get the shoulder rub down and lingering hugs over my neck…..I was still talking about church here!!

Intimacy
Urgh when the subject of intimacy comes up, very sure the automatic pop-up is sex. But ain't taking about that here, intimacy for me is open honest conversation, getting to know one another, while it is easy to give up your body, opening your heart, soul to someone else is the real challenge of intimacy. Because it brings it own raw vulnerability that actually more dangerous, in the sense that  you can have sex with someone you don't like, kiss someone you would never sex in a millions years with no sense of intimacy. But for me, it is an out of world experience because whoever I am sending time with  knows what keeps me up at night, believes in my light, and understands the logistics of what, why and how….with what we have to put up with nowadays, intimacy is in the danger of been misinterpreted as too lame for men and more for women who are confusing it with the notion of love itself. An example, you meet a guy and you get talking spending so much time together unravelling and revealing, it becomes easy to confuse that adrenaline  rush as love and start to convince yourself you found the one perhaps.  Personally, it is a strength ever since I identified my version of intimacy, I have never lured myself into a false sense of security when hanging out with guys, drinks will be drowned, conversations will spark, I might shamelessly giggle & laugh , but that all it was, an intimate evening that I will remember for time to come in my treasure of memories. 

Giving
Self explanatory. 

Best of all, plain words are enough! My girlfriends don't understand how much tears they cause every week when they speak into my life. When Debbie says "Kennie are you okay"  and Mary hugs me out of no where asking  'have you had a good week'? Sophie is the most random, her text are always on time!!! Ola tirelessly calls, text, suggest etc and gives me the naughty eye for not doing something. Have I ever mentioned how Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn I am?

30DAYS30LAYERS THE QUIET CHALLENGE

30Layers30Days Where Are You

What is the best part of being where you are in your life right now, at this very minute?   All worries aside.  What is making you happy? What is going right? What simple things are you grateful for?

Feeling ever alive dwelling in a place of peace, putting my dreams into action, yes I am finally making long term plans on my own for myself! It is not a perfect place or plan and might actually take longer than normal to achieve them, but it is the planning which got me excited because for the first time, I am dealing with my anxiety, stress and mood swings. 

What is making you happy?

It is November which means another birthday and it going to be different because I have grown and learnt a massive lesson from my mistakes. I am feeling more and more accomplished, I am not depressed anymore, I woke up from low self-esteem, I know who  I am, I no longer think I am crazy or worthless enough to attempt  suicide again and I am more honest with myself. Also what is making me happy is that I am happy and I am saying it out loud. I AM HAPPY.

What is going right?

Life, knowing I am not Alone. God, knowing that I am His. Christ, knowing I am Saved. 

What simple things are you grateful for?

Every night, I pray and hope to dream not knowing if I would it make through the night. I can sleep in my own bed unchained, safe with my doors wide open. At sunrise, I open my eyes and take another breathe full of life with the same hope and a greater sense of acceptance. My mirror stands still and whispers "beautiful as ever" as I step out, grateful for friendships and all the encouragement I get from my warriors who pray, eat, love and walk with me.