But I recently sat down re-evaluating my life and I am literally blown away. My relationship with God is more intimate than ever, laying down my ambition and trusting in His leadership which is quite hard. I am Human. About 5 years ago, I had a rough idea where I wanted to be, what I thought I would be doing and so on.
My days are spent reading a book, scribbling in my journal, doing devotions, meeting up with friends, doing things I said yes to and how I have managed so far with my fluctuating account balance is a question I dare not ask. One of the many things I know for sure, is God provides and it is He who sustains me. I crave a new pair of shoes and a green dress for a summer wedding I intend to turn up for. Oh dear!
I smile to myself when I people ask me what I do or why I am not working anymore but I claim busy.
"Are you now working"?
"Don't you want to practice anymore"?
"When are you coming back"?
It is humbling because I am reminded that His ways are not our ways and He is a God of unusual miracles who gives and blesses us differently in our calling. My primary life goals has been to always help people. To be in a role where I can just pour out my heart, soul and spirit into making someone else happy, fulfilled and blessed. To influence and cause radical change, plant a flourishing seed and be an instrument of love, light and peace.
A conversation with a total stranger ended with, " you should write a book" I asked why and he said I have spent just a little time with you this evening and I see it in you.
I spend about half an hour with a new acquaintant and she said ' You should work with youth, I can see the passion in you" and the other person present in the room agreed.
My team leader sent me a long message and I cried so much afterwards.
Had dinner with a quirky bunch of inspiring girls and what they prophesied over my life, I would hold on to it forever.
My close friend started a bible study and she said she can't do it without my help. "It is you I need" she said.
Even thou I only got picked up about four years ago, I believe the life I have lived this far is not isolated but a journey and where I am is so beautiful. Three years ago, I attend Colour Conference and felt this pull and desire to help women and young people. I listened to young women tell their stories, unravelling a depth of faith so big my heart cried out to God. I went home and wrote "Ten reasons I am beautiful" on my bedroom mirror ending with "Selah baby Selah".
Last year, I attended Colour again and ended up sitting in a Shine session, a program for women and girls, empowering and teaching them about worth, value and strength. Now I am proud to sing out loud with a cry of joy that I run Shine with an amazing team and blown away by the leadership am under. It has changed my outlook so much that I can't stop praying for more opportunity to be an out pour of love in the lives of women I come in contact with. I believe in the amazing change we can make and I know that great seeds are been sown in the lives of this beloved women/girls.
This year with the same vision for my life in my heart, I prayed and prayed that God should lead me to people with a heart for him and to forge relationships that will support my growth. Honestly, I believe it has come true because I can't believe that I could endured this journey on my own without the network of women in my life. We pray, comfort and support each other, forever building each up into winning women, not defined by the world but by who God says we are.
No judgement or condemnation. Just love. Love love love is all I receive unconditionally without reservations. My heart is joyful, unwavering that I am on the right path even thou it is so far off from what I had in mind.
Yesterday brought it up for me, I was unsettled all day, hard on myself, cringing at my relaxed state of laziness and almost did not make it out for a last minute meeting. Thank You Lord because it was awe-inspiring, while gathered in an atmosphere filled with an aura of magnificent light that screamed,
"You are living"
"You are right where you need to be"
"You are life"
"Stay, Stay, Stay"
My heart leaped and leaped, refreshed and grateful to the spirit of obedience because many times He has spoken and I didn't listen. Probably because I was 50/50, dead- straight about how I wanted to do things. Comparing myself to other people, imitating and suppressing the tiny voice that whispers 'let me in" "I see you" 'I can help you do better"
If I didn't give my life to Christ, I really wonder .......My biggest battle was fear. The fear of stepping out, speaking because I am shy, fear of been noticed. I am that person you compliment and I would brush it off like dust and kindly hand it back to you.
I exchanged all my fears for a life that is founded in Christ and I have watched Him redefine my ambition, purpose and life. I don't make the plans, He does. I don't need to magnify my life for the world to see. My life does not need that traffic, I am a servant living to glorify and magnify his Name so that many will come to Him and be transformed inside out.
I know I am not fully there yet. It is not easy, am not always this positive, but get this....I know I can do it all through Christ who strengthens me.
