30Layers30Days // INTIMIDATION

Still on The Quiet Challenge #30layers30days and my timing is all over the place, but I am absolutely loving it so far, its been very warming and encouraging to open up more to what I want for myself, engage my thought process and scribble all over the blog!

Question: What kind of people make you feel intimidated, small, inferior?  Why?

Truth be told, I have never been worried about intimidation because even with my quietness, I have always stood my ground with people that try it and I do it by observing you long enough to subtlety put you in your place. Never liked bullies, I randomly fought in school with people just to exercise my right to be me in my quiet corner, I was not popular neither did I desire it, but intimidation, feeling small, inferior was a No No! Maybe that is why I have been referenced as a snob; even prudish in behaviour because I absolutely cannot conceal my irritation, am always like who are you again?

I welcome people, like my mother would say, "I wasn't born privileged, everything I have given you was worked for", never ever look down on people regardless of class or status. So when I am in any situation that will place me among people whose sole purpose is to make me feel intimidated, small or inferior for whatever reason, I look to GOD for strength and compassion to be kind, humble and forgiving, because......

"Beautiful is the woman who understands her place in life, with all things coming from God the Ultimate Source, it can be taken back as easily as it was given".

We do not Intimidate, Oppress or Violate others, We Strive to be Peace, Light, Love and More to the Very own People against Us.

Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

30Layers30Days - SECRET INDULGENCE

When you want to make yourself feel better, what can you do for yourself or give yourself that no one else can give you?

 

Disclaimer: I Love Chocolate, Coffee & Capri-sonne. 

For years, my weight yo yo-ed binge eating, realising what I had done to my body, I did all sorts of diets and heart-breaking morning/evening running, jogging, brisk walking and everything in between that I can dream up to make me feel good. Fast forward, with my capri-sonne loving self, coffee loving and secret chocolatey moments when no one is watching. Guess what the secret is? Inhale, hold your chest high, suck your belly button in, yes feel your core breathe and exhaleeeeee.

I PRAY! Hmm mmm, Yes I pray with my eyes closed, head bowed, shoulders down, letting it all out to God, calling him out on His promises, rejoicing in the little I have been given, praying for guidance on how to multiply, increase and sustain. No one can truly give me what I what or need but Abba because He sees, knows and hear the tiny whispers in my heart. I am calmer, lighter; even fluffy with the way I live my life because of this, praying subdues my anger, frustration bringing it back from the edge of destruction.

I READ, reading the Word in a quiet place with understanding that I will be led to receive what I need. 

What is your secret indulgence? P.s I am now a hot yoga loving sister.

BeautifulBelovedBelievedIn

 

POST PART of 30DAYS30LAYERS by ALLTHE MANYLAYERS THE QUIET CHALLENGE

#30Layers30Days // APOLOGIES

What do you need to stop apologizing for?  
Your personality?
Your perspective?
Your needs?
Your boundaries?
Your dreams?
The person you love?

Me, Me, Me, Me.

Hmmm when in doubt, spell it out ME. It is a critical time in my personal life right now, turning a big number soon, been through a couple of hard times, struggled with this and that. Given up time for people that could never ever do the same, made choices against my best interest to satisfy needs that don't measure up and for what? I am a late bloomer, its taken me longer to crawl, stand, walk, run and fly. Other people seem to have it easy from where I stand, I don't even know how to begin to explain. The choices I am finally striving to exercise will disappoint some of my friends and family because it might not sit well enough, it is a massive u-turn from expectation and what they would choose and encourage. Sorry Not!! Might even end up broke for a while…..

Quiet, Reserved, Sensitive, Conscious, Emotional. Selective, Closed, Open. Dreamer, Writer, Reader. 

I love who I love, it is not conditional on been loved back, who I choose to give my love is my decision, not to be scrutinised or over analysed, I will always give openly because it doesn't cost me a thing. Lovers will come & go, but I will stay loving me long time.
My apologies are undisputed, I am doing me all the time, I can't overturn the past and I wouldn't if I had a chance. My past mistakes were necessary like I need air to exist, my very own Malcolm X  paved the way for the present ME. I will not be here if it wasn't for them, will not be reaching out to my inner core, experiencing this energy or be the sister, daughter, friend and lover I am today,  who loves no matter what, with intent and  purpose to those that hurt, abandoned and rejected me. 
Of all the above, I could still be so lost in the chains of past misconception of who I am because I got found and uplifted in God's Love, Grace & Mercy. Bolder in my walk, striving and loudly proclaiming what I believe in.
Not apologising for been different and unique.
BeautifulBelovedBelievedIn

DAY 14: #30Layers30Days // LOVE LANGUAGE

                             What are your favorite ways to give and receive love?

3 things  = Touch. Intimacy. Giving. = Words

Touch
I only started getting comfortable with this last year. I use to think something was wrong with me, I would literally jump out of my skin if someone brushed against me. Side hugs are the most I could give or allow from anyone, raised in a Muslim environment, hugging women is not encouraged at all. However, I find it very reassuring when people hold my hands and slowly I have learnt to hug and stay firm. Anyway with my church, there is no boundaries, everyone is big on pulling and hugging so tight your guts are spilling out. *Laughs* I have become such a hugger myself and I totally love it, especially when I get the shoulder rub down and lingering hugs over my neck…..I was still talking about church here!!

Intimacy
Urgh when the subject of intimacy comes up, very sure the automatic pop-up is sex. But ain't taking about that here, intimacy for me is open honest conversation, getting to know one another, while it is easy to give up your body, opening your heart, soul to someone else is the real challenge of intimacy. Because it brings it own raw vulnerability that actually more dangerous, in the sense that  you can have sex with someone you don't like, kiss someone you would never sex in a millions years with no sense of intimacy. But for me, it is an out of world experience because whoever I am sending time with  knows what keeps me up at night, believes in my light, and understands the logistics of what, why and how….with what we have to put up with nowadays, intimacy is in the danger of been misinterpreted as too lame for men and more for women who are confusing it with the notion of love itself. An example, you meet a guy and you get talking spending so much time together unravelling and revealing, it becomes easy to confuse that adrenaline  rush as love and start to convince yourself you found the one perhaps.  Personally, it is a strength ever since I identified my version of intimacy, I have never lured myself into a false sense of security when hanging out with guys, drinks will be drowned, conversations will spark, I might shamelessly giggle & laugh , but that all it was, an intimate evening that I will remember for time to come in my treasure of memories. 

Giving
Self explanatory. 

Best of all, plain words are enough! My girlfriends don't understand how much tears they cause every week when they speak into my life. When Debbie says "Kennie are you okay"  and Mary hugs me out of no where asking  'have you had a good week'? Sophie is the most random, her text are always on time!!! Ola tirelessly calls, text, suggest etc and gives me the naughty eye for not doing something. Have I ever mentioned how Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn I am?

30DAYS30LAYERS THE QUIET CHALLENGE

30Layers30Days Where Are You

What is the best part of being where you are in your life right now, at this very minute?   All worries aside.  What is making you happy? What is going right? What simple things are you grateful for?

Feeling ever alive dwelling in a place of peace, putting my dreams into action, yes I am finally making long term plans on my own for myself! It is not a perfect place or plan and might actually take longer than normal to achieve them, but it is the planning which got me excited because for the first time, I am dealing with my anxiety, stress and mood swings. 

What is making you happy?

It is November which means another birthday and it going to be different because I have grown and learnt a massive lesson from my mistakes. I am feeling more and more accomplished, I am not depressed anymore, I woke up from low self-esteem, I know who  I am, I no longer think I am crazy or worthless enough to attempt  suicide again and I am more honest with myself. Also what is making me happy is that I am happy and I am saying it out loud. I AM HAPPY.

What is going right?

Life, knowing I am not Alone. God, knowing that I am His. Christ, knowing I am Saved. 

What simple things are you grateful for?

Every night, I pray and hope to dream not knowing if I would it make through the night. I can sleep in my own bed unchained, safe with my doors wide open. At sunrise, I open my eyes and take another breathe full of life with the same hope and a greater sense of acceptance. My mirror stands still and whispers "beautiful as ever" as I step out, grateful for friendships and all the encouragement I get from my warriors who pray, eat, love and walk with me.

 

#30Layers30Days // PLAYGROUND

Where is your playground, your happy place?  The place or places where you feel free. Where you don't have to prove anything, bite your tongue or hide your enthusiasm.  Just easy, comfortable, defenses down.  Imagination running wild.Where is your playground?  Also, do you make time in your life to escape to this place?

My playground is my home, pinpointed to the corners of my bedroom with self splattered across the bed, reading a book, laptop on standby, soft music playing. In summer months, I am much more free to treasure the sunshine and roam the evening away without distractions whatsoever. I have many happy places, I find it in books, personal reflection, writing, music, and time alone been me, working on my spirit, heart and soul. I also find it in genuine persons that understand me through conversations that highlight and ignite my senses to engage in the beauty of my innermost thoughts and make it past concierge of my emotional turmoil. The greatest place I know is in my spirit, living in light, love, peace and finding me.

Beautiful Beloved Believed In

#30Layers30Days SOULMATE

30DAYS30LAYERS THE QUIET CHALLENGE
Describe what term 'soulmate' means to you and whether or not you are embodying that meaning for yourself. In other words, are you your soulmate? Is your relationship with yourself intimate and kind, supportive and unconditional? 

A soul mate is someone who mirrors your soul, heart and desire, an unspoken understanding of trust, compatibility and alignment in purpose. I do not believe in just one soul mate but many with intertwined lives roaming and waiting to connect with me, they may be good for you or end up bad being the cause of pain, hurt and anguish.

Lucky for me, I was born a twin, she is a beautiful soul, kind spirit with a natural instinct to nurture, protect and support me unconditionally. She is the soul mate I need to get through life and I hers, we understand each other and get on well, she sees the most intimate part of me and has helped me move beyond limiting beliefs. But for her awakening and energy, I can't imagine half of what I have achieved and accomplished so far.

I embody the principle of soulmate also because I understand that I have to embrace my soul to interact with the universe and I do this by taking care of Me Myself & I. I pray for her heart to be kind gentle and calm, make time to listen and nurture her abilities, soothed her fears, guide her through clouds of terror and oppression in every encounter. Yes, I have learnt to love her unconditionally like I would another soul because I want to be in a place of peace, love and serenity when I cross path with another who mirrors the undiscovered within me.

Believe, Disagree or Dismiss.

Beautiful Beloved, Believed In

The Quiet Challenge - TELL ALL

30DAYS30LAYERS THE QUIET CHALLENGE

Does this sound like you: You don't think you're creative. You love to create, but you don't think you are particularly talented. You don't want the people in your life to judge your creative vulnerability, so you hide it.  If you were not concerned about these things and felt free to explore and express yourself freely, what would you do?   What would you create?  What story would you tell and how would you tell it? - GG RENEE

I use to be extremely shy and maybe still recovering from owning up to what I aspire to be through my writing and that why I started blogging in the first place. I don't think I am the best writer or most inspirational person because I have always struggled with been strong, so how can I then choose to be a voice for others. I may have found it, but is it strong will enough to speak out loud and right there is where my vulnerability screams back at me. I am telling them, I am telling you and what I need to tell you is exactly what I write here. 
JOURNEY. SELF-DISCOVERY. WRITING. LEARNING. TELL ALL.
Beautiful Beloved Believed In

#30Layers30days // ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

30Layers30Days INNER WORLD

To what extent do you find yourself preoccupied with your own thoughts and challenged to share your inner world with others?  Also, how do you preserve your need for solitude and still make room for the people you love? 

I have always been someone who enjoys solitude. It is my favourite thing in the whole wide world and often the misunderstood thing about my personality. Writing and long evening walks is the way to gather my thoughts, make decisions and get comfortable with what I am trying to pass across or share with people.

It is very challenging sharing because I think very differently and the way I would analyse a situation might seem out of my place or weird. More than half of my dreams and aspirations I haven't really communicated, because the little I have shared is not understood and that is what I deal with concerning my family especially. For this reasons, my day to day world can be so lonely dealing with my emotional thoughts and trying to share a positive energy because light attracts light. 

As I have grown I take the time I need for myself, if I don't do so, nothing gets done properly. So in the middle of a busy day, I will be seen taking a power nap, the other day, during break in the team meeting room, I snoozed for thirty minutes while everyone chatted away and it had no impact on my performance because I was recharged and empowered to keep up with the rest of the task ahead. 

I turn up for the people I love and I will always make room for them on the understanding that they do not invade my personal space with noise, and it works when there is respect, admiration and genuine concern for the other person. It use to bother me that I preferred my own company, literally had conversations with myself, write and pretty much spend endless hours in my company because other people found it weird, abnormal and I have been called complex, spaced-out, lonely etc But I have come to appreciate them as normal and totally acceptable to be out of touch with the world every now and then if I want to flourish. I don't need much, just give me a moment of silence, coffee and a notepad to process my world and I might, might just be bold enough to invite you to the best kept secret. 

Your Solitude, that nest, hiding place might be where you find your connection, conciliation, pathway and anything you need to make it through life outside.!!!!!!

#30Layers30Days The Quiet Challenge by GG Renee