I have been crying a lot lately, it been weeks of this agonising pain in my heart, filled with dashed hopes and aspiration. It hasn’t been one thing, which I can confidently point to as the reason for this emotional roller coaster. My family life, personal relationship, career and commitment to life are what I am struggling with at the moment. I have spoken to God, but my heart is still weary as ever, I long for the days when I would pray and pray till I was parched, nowadays it is just a murmur, delayed whispers, incoherent thoughts and I even fall asleep speaking to God or I would forget what I am praying about.
Although I made the conscious decision to start bible reading a few weeks ago, it has been good; but find it hard to focus in the evenings with my family around and often get disturbed in the room, fall asleep if I tried to do it before bed. So leaving the house early in the morning to catch the empty train and read the word on my way to work has worked out better than I could ever imagine. Arriving at work 20 minutes also helps as I multi-task between coffee drinking session, tucking into a bite of cinnamon swirl pastry and reading has been refreshing.
However, I am truly struggling with negative emotions and becoming easily affected by stuff that are happening around me especially with family life. One thing I know is that, confusion does not come from God and I have made a new commitment to resolve this once and for all.
So……….here it is; Pray. Yes I said pray. But this is a special prayer; actually it is a project I came across as I flicker on my IG page. It is called the #PrayerProject, a challenge that last for 30 days praying not for you but others, it could be a partner/spouse, a friend, a specific individual or stranger.
I am doing mine for my family, after the nightmare we have endured and the revelation we had this weekend. This is not a surprise to me at all, because for the first time in my life, I started praying for my mum last week at church, cause I strongly believe she needs it as her strength is what I have known in my family before I came to rely on Christ this much. But Ma is failing and I see her looking in all the wrong places for intercession from God, if only she could hear from God personally and rest in Him.
All of a sudden in the mist of my heartache, God is making so much sense. Pray for my mum and by extension of faith to all my siblings as well. It makes crazy sense to me as I write, because a fruit is only as good as the seed/tree it falls from. If you know anything off what we have been through, then you will see that I need this challenge like I need air to exist.
So for the next 30 days, journal prayer in writing to God, placing everything in Him as my pain and anguish is rooted in the craziness of my family life. I have been holding on to a lot of things and I have come to realise that in order to let go of everything, you know my childhoods sense of abandonment, rejection, hurt, disappointment, unaccomplished, un-cherished feeling and resentment towards my family . I have to do this, we need healing and I know God will listen