Thursday, 4 December 2014

"It be like that sometimes"

Finished reading "I know why the caged bird sing" by Maya Angelou and it got me feeling somehow, I have been so engrossed in her story that I haven't written much in the past few days. Her story is awe-inspiring and has encouraged me to embrace and reach out to an area of my past. 
Psssh "It be like that sometimes"
It is with sincerity that I can look back on this year and be bold to say I have outlived the pain, scars & learnt from my experiences. Sine 2011 I have been more open, upfront, brave, reached out more than ever, open my heart to love, got  heartbroken, died and resurrected in peace, love and light. I write with more inspiration, would never ever think of suicide, cry alone for no reason or close my heart to friendship. With joy, I send out light to my friend Dolly for the encounter with God in September, gratitude to the wind of change that lead me to that coaching session in December, Seyi Shay for leading me home to Hillsong in January 2012. To God for pushing me into taking the plunge to pursue my heartstrings and embark on an adventure to Lagos for Law school in June 2012. Boy oh boy, it was intense, I stumbled more times than I can remember, thin out old pains and made new one that runs deeper than anything that I have experienced, is it the friends that betrayed, lied and did me wrong or the lover that walked away with no plausible explanation. I no longer remember dates of events even thou the imprint are stamped in my journal. 
But hey in the words of Maya Angelou, when you encounter difficult or unusual situation in the hood, you switch your language  and say "it be like that sometimes". In the same dose, I look back at some of the decision I made, *breathe* it was dangerously close to signing my death wish with the inscription "she lived like an idiot, what a waste". 
Lean back, pause and take it in. Was I really out of character? or was it the dark side I had never manifested, because when I dream back, girllllll if you are walking with God it can't be like that sometimes!!!
I refer back to 2011 because of this post I wrote way back under one of my numerous attempts at blogging until I later decided it wasnt for me. Hmmm mmm no, I am not a blogger, I am a diarist who writes to inspire herself to be better and along the way encouraged to share her story with strangers and millions of girls like her.  "Dear 2011 You should know that I still think of you, each memory brings it own emotional waves. I miss the nights I spent alone with you, the promises of something better and the moments we never had. I miss the days when we had nothing but the day to ourselves, wandering the streets of London, searching for answers, singing at the top of my lungs, dancing like a gypsy, bumping and  politely murmuring excuses to strangers, still I remember walking away and carrying on like nothing happened. But you caused me unknown pain from which the I no longer (addition) bear the scars, many nights I cried from loneliness, layered by darkness, struggling to grasps the cause of my emotional imbalance. I lived like a recluse towards the end, evenings spent alone without hope, faith, just emptiness. I shy-ed away from love and friends, finding solace in my thoughts, I was an outcast, a dying breed, a lost soul!!! But now, listen, I have grown (addition) - As I grow and flourish into myself, I will like to say; thank you 2011 for showing me my weakness and strength. But for you, I would never have found the faith I thought I had l lost! For the sake of my sanity, I hope this is the last conversation we will have, I’d like to move on, I have found something special worth breathing and living for…… I don’t need your air to exist."
To be continued......
Beautiful Beloved BelievedIn

1 comment:

  1. Wow that was deep. But incredibly relatable to some degree


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